Published on July 23rd, 2013 | by Katie0
Diary Entry: Alice’s Birthday
An excerpt from Katie Boland’s diary from the summer she lost her mind.
Later that night was Alice’s birthday.
It was swelteringly hot. I spent the remainder of the day showering Scott off my skin, and trying to sleep my hangover away. Neither worked.
As I got on the streetcar to Alice’s I remember feeling different than I ever had before. I wondered if changes happened slowly but then one day stop, having become complete. I thought that maybe that day was the day where there was no going back. As I walked up her steps, I was pretty sure the change had been absolute; that I had lost my mind for good.
I remember the party being fun. But everything was fun all the time, so it felt uneventful. Fun had become the background for the anxious ticker-tape that was always going in my mind. I decided that routine, no matter how unusual it was, always felt routine. I couldn’t escape monotony.
When you kill time it dies hard.
I wouldn’t come to regret seeing Scott until two weeks later when he stopped returning my calls. But that was in keeping with that time in my life. I lived wholly in a surreal place, existing somewhere between now and then. Nothing I did really felt like something I would do. There was some other person controlling my body, my brain, my mouth. I was taking a vacation and I only dealt with how I was behaving in the brief periods where the real me floated back to the surface. And I tried, really hard, to keep that real me at bay.
I don’t blame myself. I can be a real buzz kill.